Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Taking a quick break

I know it's been over a week.  I apologize.  The idea behind this blog is to discuss happy things, and we've had some major issues of our own and I'm not quite down with bringing everyone down.

For a quick re-cap, though, if you are at all interested, we found out last Monday about the miscarriage.  However, there were complications, so I had to go in for a quick surgical visit THIS Monday to clear up some issues.  For the record- between the fear of the complications and the pain of the loss, last week was probably the worst week of my life.

That's in the past now.  To be honest, I might not feel so good now had I not had last week to compare this week to.  It's been bad as well.  Unfortunately whilst I was in surgery on Monday my grandfather passed away.

PLEASE don't go thinking I'm running emo on you and turning into a depressed sour puss, but it's just been a little rough.  In all fairness, however, I must say that my grandfather has been extremely sick for a very long time.  He's been in and out of hospitals, rehab, nursing facilities, more hospitals, etc etc for going on 4 years now.  He was doing pretty well until about March, I'd say, but since has been in quite a lot of pain and really taken a turn for the worse.  It's almost a relief to see that he has passed on and is no longer in pain.  We will certainly miss him, though.  He always had a smile and a wink.  He told everyone just how good lookin' they were.  He always had a laugh, and he LOVED his Reds.  I hope they continue to kick butt this year, just for him.

Basically life has been a little chaotic lately.  I'm going to probably not write for another week, but when I come back I promise to be on cue for happiness and the fun quirks of life, simply because it has to go on.  It does go on.  Who knows, maybe I'll even have an organized plan for my blog!!!!  We'll see... we'll see...  Oh, and I'll have pictures.  I promise.

Monday, August 16, 2010

You never think it will be you

We say this about just about everything.  Car accidents.  Losing your loved ones.  Athletic accidents.  Even good things like championships.  Setting records.  Even finding the love of your life, especially after a bad heartbreak.

But no matter how often it's applied, it's always true.  You really never think it could happen to you.  The idea is just simply unfathomable.

Unfortunately, it has to be you sometimes.  Statistically speaking it has to be someone, and what makes you any different from the next guy?

I turned 24 on Friday.  For my birthday, we had a doctor's appointment.  We were supposed to hear a heartbeat.  That beautiful sound that acknowledges there is something indeed growing inside of you.  They couldn't find one, though.  No worries.  I've gained weight, my blood and all the other tests are great.  It's probably just earlier in the pregnancy than we thought.

Just in case, though, they scheduled an ultrasound for today.  And it turns out they were wrong.  There is no heartbeat, and the baby stopped growing approximately 3 weeks ago.  For no apparent reason, I have yet to actually miscarry, but it's going to happen within the next week.  If it doesn't, then I'll have to have a D&C, which if you don't know, they will go in surgically and remove what should have naturally left on its own.

As emotional as this is, I'm thinking I've cried it out, and can hopefully move on.  I've never felt so sad, but unlike what the pamphlet says (who the hell writes that thing?  They obviously don't know JACK SHIT about losing a baby.) I don't feel guilty.  I know it's not my fault, that there was nothing I could have done to prevent it.  I'm confident we can still have children, and we will be trying again.  Hind sight is 20/20, and to be honest, it felt too good to be true.  I don't think I ever really fully accepted that I was going to be a mom.  Something just never sank in.  I never connected with "baby".  I'd like to think it was for this reason, but hind sight is certainly 20/20.  Had I not had the ultrasound today I would never consider that thought.

I think I'm more afraid of the miscarriage now.  Is this going to hurt?  How long until it happens?  How long until I recover?  I'm honestly a "cry it out and move on" type of gal.  I don't like waiting.  I have about 10 lbs to lose now.  I want to be healthy again.  I want my house to be clean again.  I want life to go back to normal again.


Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Wedded Wednesday- Judging Others

A friend of mine (I've mentioned here before, her name is Allison) mentioned a nice little bloggy carnival thing, and I thought I'd give it a shot since my usual attempts at creating a routine die out so quickly.

It's called Wedded Wednesday from a wonderful woman named Johanna.  You can link up to it here.

For my first Wedded Wednesday, I'd like to let you in on a lesson I have learned in my little-more-than-a-year of marriage- Everyone's marriage is different, and it is impossible to see everything from the outside view.

You should normally never judge.  I have never had an issue abiding by this honestly, but it seems that a lot of people have a problem with it.  This is not a response to someone's judgement of late or anything personal, so please don't wonder who I'm pointing a metaphorical finger at- it's no one.  I have just noticed in my little-more-than-a-year of marriage that above most things, people judge relationships and marriages. 

I've heard comments about couples, how they won't last.  I've heard comments on how the girlfriend doesn't treat her boyfriend right because she picked out decorations for his new house.  But most of all I used to worry about what Mike's friends said about ME.  I never fit in real well with the crowd, and Mike is well loved by EVERYONE.  He just doesn't have a lot of faults, and he's extremely loyal to his friends.  I just didn't match up.  We were complete opposites, and I am known to make enemies for my strong opinions.

Somewhere along the way I stopped worrying what they think.  They don't see all that goes on.  So what if we never hang out when we're at a party?  He goes one way I go another.  So they heard us disagree.  So what?  They don't see how he cuddles me.  How we hold hands even when alone.  His sweet text messages, or really even how we fight- we fight honestly, without harsh words, and we never hit below the belt.  We fix the issue at hand openly.  If we get too upset, we take a break from the fight until we calm down.

Not even my own mother sees all the good in our relationship.  I honestly think she's terrified he'll leave me some day!  Our housemate at one point used to get real uncomfortable when we bickered.  It took her a while to realize that 99% of it was a loving joke.  We are actually still in a honeymoon stage, I think.  We're happier than we've ever been. 

Maybe people like to find faults so they can compare themselves a little better.  I don't know.  I've just learned that judging relationships is like looking through shattered glass.  You don't really see what it is your looking at.  Not thoroughly at least.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Summertime goals- Learning to Golf

Last winter my mom gave me a beautiful set of golf clubs for Christmas.  They are a gorgeous bright pink and the nice part- some of the proceeds goes to breast cancer research.  (They are the Wilson Hope Set.  Ignore the price, we paid a lot less.  AND the darker pink that's not so pretty in the picture?  It's kind of purple-ish and so much prettier in person).

Anywho, I'm not exactly a golfer.  I played my first round last fall using a combination of my brother's clubs and a friend's clubs.  I loved it, but I wasn't that great.  Who is, though?  At least when they start.  Seriously, this game is hard!

So to fix the problem at hand, I got clubs for Christmas and then took a beginner class this summer with my mom.  OMG what fun!!!!  I learned a TON!  I can't wait to actually USE those skills, but... hey... on a driving range I look pretty good!  (Who am I kidding?  I probably still look like a beginner, but I can tell I've improved).

I'm so excited about how much I learned this summer, and it's nice to say that I actually accomplished something.  I spent my whole life loving summers (summer vacations, time off from school, even my summer job) and now it seems like they just don't exist any more.  The seasons are merely an annoyance (heat.  cold.  ice.  rain.)

Happy summer experiences, everyone!

Monday, August 2, 2010

Can you eat a whole thing of Mac N Cheese?

And I don't mean a box of Kraft.  I'm talking one of those microwavable things from Bob Evans that is so rich and creamy you honestly WANT to eat the whole thing even if you can't.

I'm getting pretty close to the bottom.  And I've already eaten a yogurt (ok, that was a few hours ago) a ham sandwich, and a thing of veggies.  YIKES!

I'm not trying to eat the whole thing, though!  I need to save some for tomorrow's lunch.  But seriously, I'm. Hungry.

But the good news is the Doc says that since I'm 10 weeks along, I should be past the worst of the sickness!!!!  WOOOHOOO!!!!  Here's to hopefully feeling much much better in the next few days/weeks (I'm hoping for the former).  Maybe I'll even feel good enough to post a few pics!  Haha.  Maybe. 

This is a rather stupid post, I must admit.  However, it's a Monday, mom is on vacation, and this office is SO SUPER QUIET today that I honestly just want to run down the halls screaming.  My desire to keep my job prevents me from doing so, so instead I'm here blabbing to you about mac n cheese.

Mac N Cheese that I couldn't even stomach last week.  So progress already?  Here's to hoping!

Did any of you crazy moms have crazy cravings?  I know we were in the grocery store last night, and I saw ice cream and INSTANTLY had to buy a VERY SPECIFIC item.  Right. Then.  Edy's Dibs- the chocolate ones.  Unfortunately they were out of the chocolate ones.  I nearly cried.  I wish I was exaggerating.  Maybe I'll try again tonight.