Monday, August 16, 2010

You never think it will be you

We say this about just about everything.  Car accidents.  Losing your loved ones.  Athletic accidents.  Even good things like championships.  Setting records.  Even finding the love of your life, especially after a bad heartbreak.

But no matter how often it's applied, it's always true.  You really never think it could happen to you.  The idea is just simply unfathomable.

Unfortunately, it has to be you sometimes.  Statistically speaking it has to be someone, and what makes you any different from the next guy?

I turned 24 on Friday.  For my birthday, we had a doctor's appointment.  We were supposed to hear a heartbeat.  That beautiful sound that acknowledges there is something indeed growing inside of you.  They couldn't find one, though.  No worries.  I've gained weight, my blood and all the other tests are great.  It's probably just earlier in the pregnancy than we thought.

Just in case, though, they scheduled an ultrasound for today.  And it turns out they were wrong.  There is no heartbeat, and the baby stopped growing approximately 3 weeks ago.  For no apparent reason, I have yet to actually miscarry, but it's going to happen within the next week.  If it doesn't, then I'll have to have a D&C, which if you don't know, they will go in surgically and remove what should have naturally left on its own.

As emotional as this is, I'm thinking I've cried it out, and can hopefully move on.  I've never felt so sad, but unlike what the pamphlet says (who the hell writes that thing?  They obviously don't know JACK SHIT about losing a baby.) I don't feel guilty.  I know it's not my fault, that there was nothing I could have done to prevent it.  I'm confident we can still have children, and we will be trying again.  Hind sight is 20/20, and to be honest, it felt too good to be true.  I don't think I ever really fully accepted that I was going to be a mom.  Something just never sank in.  I never connected with "baby".  I'd like to think it was for this reason, but hind sight is certainly 20/20.  Had I not had the ultrasound today I would never consider that thought.

I think I'm more afraid of the miscarriage now.  Is this going to hurt?  How long until it happens?  How long until I recover?  I'm honestly a "cry it out and move on" type of gal.  I don't like waiting.  I have about 10 lbs to lose now.  I want to be healthy again.  I want my house to be clean again.  I want life to go back to normal again.



Sera Pie said...

I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you.

Sending positive thoughts and an air hug your way.

Bitterroot Mama said...

So sorry to hear this. I'm glad that you celebrated Remembrance Day.