Hi, everyone! I'm back, and hopefully starting fresh. I honestly wanted to "start fresh" on Monday, but I was on a plane, and then I was reunited with my hubby and my puppy and that da** cat. It just didn't happen. And then catching up Tues and Wed because I was gone all weekend meant that it didn't happen then, either. OH WELL! Here I am.
I went away. No, literally. I got up Friday morning nice and early and caught a small little plane to Philadelphia, PA. I spent about 30 minutes trying to locate my aunt. Apparently you arrive at the departure entrance to terminal F and then you must take the escalater up to the skywalk, then the skywalk over to the escalator, then the escalator down to the ground again to be at the arrivals exit. Weird, since no signs told me to do so. Anywho, I arrived in sunshiny Philadelphia and spent a blissful long weekend with my aunt, uncle, twin cousins, and grandma. It was heaven.
I mean really... That cup of ice cream? Divine. Heaven! It was chocolate ice cream with reese pieces, cups, and peanut butter in it. Scrumptious!
The twins ride horses. They are obsessed with horses, actually. They're 8. So Friday I had the liberty of watching their lesson, where they proceeded to jump. Which I think is scary and I ride horses! At one point the li'l pony literally RACED to the jump. I seriously thought Sydney would scream and fall, but no. She did tremendous! They both did.
Meanwhile I babysat their puppies. This pic was NOT taken during the time of my babysitting. This was the next day, after receiving 3 vaccinations. They are shepherd mixes. Beautiful, fun, and intelligent. I was only slightly jealous. So was someone else.
I love this guy. Who incidentally missed me lots.
Anywho, PA. Right. We also went riding as a group, and I was reminded of just how much I miss my farm, riding, my own horse, who is now fatter than fat normally allows, and riding in general. They gave me the fiesty "Sarge". He was a fat stock horse. He had an attitude, something about thinking he's the boss? Guess we know where he gets his name! He promptly attempted to shove me into every fence we walked past, ate an entire buffet's worth of corn, alfalfa, and just any sort of grass in general, and pretty much refused any suggestion or more of going faster than a walk. It was a blast! I loved Sarge. I was rather jealous of my uncle, though. They gave him Marshal, a former race horse. I would have LOVED to get him on the barrel course they had set up! Or the pole bending. Oooooooh how awesome that would have been!
Speaking of my awesome uncle, you wouldn't believe what he's found!
That, my friends, is the original deed or rather a digital copy of the original deed to the farm I grew up on. Apparently it was originally bought by my seven-times-great-grandfather in 1825. That there document? Signed or stamped, it might not actually be his signature by Mr. John Quincy Adams! How freakin' awesome is that? I've got to figure out where it is. I want to see the actual thing!
We also spent the weekend setting up their new classroom. The girls will be home-schooled this year. I used to think that was a bad idea. Until I left Indiana and saw that some parents are intelligent enough to do it correctly. It looks exciting, and I'm insanely jealous of the girls and coincidentally their mom. She'll love it too.
And by the end of the 4th day, when I was flying home, I realized I hadn't thought of something for 90% of the trip. This is probably the exact opposite of what it was like at home. And while I still think of it quite a bit now that I'm back, it's not so bad or as often. I'm not as sad, now. That weekend away really really really ten times over helped me let go. And while it'll probably always hurt, I was totally ok when my grandmother told me that I don't need to get pregnant. I was shocked. and it came out of the blue with a rather negative tone. I think I even laughed! Had that happened day one of the trip it happened on the last day I would have burst into tears.
So let's raise our glasses to getting away! Vacations are just sometimes necessary. Especially when life gets to be overwhelming. Now if I could just lose that extra weight... But that's another story in and of itself!
"Your notebook says hot chocolate on the front?"
- "Yes"
"Am I your hot chocolate?"
- "Hahaha. Yes. Yes you are."
I know it's been over a week. I apologize. The idea behind this blog is to discuss happy things, and we've had some major issues of our own and I'm not quite down with bringing everyone down.
For a quick re-cap, though, if you are at all interested, we found out last Monday about the miscarriage. However, there were complications, so I had to go in for a quick surgical visit THIS Monday to clear up some issues. For the record- between the fear of the complications and the pain of the loss, last week was probably the worst week of my life.
That's in the past now. To be honest, I might not feel so good now had I not had last week to compare this week to. It's been bad as well. Unfortunately whilst I was in surgery on Monday my grandfather passed away.
PLEASE don't go thinking I'm running emo on you and turning into a depressed sour puss, but it's just been a little rough. In all fairness, however, I must say that my grandfather has been extremely sick for a very long time. He's been in and out of hospitals, rehab, nursing facilities, more hospitals, etc etc for going on 4 years now. He was doing pretty well until about March, I'd say, but since has been in quite a lot of pain and really taken a turn for the worse. It's almost a relief to see that he has passed on and is no longer in pain. We will certainly miss him, though. He always had a smile and a wink. He told everyone just how good lookin' they were. He always had a laugh, and he LOVED his Reds. I hope they continue to kick butt this year, just for him.
Basically life has been a little chaotic lately. I'm going to probably not write for another week, but when I come back I promise to be on cue for happiness and the fun quirks of life, simply because it has to go on. It does go on. Who knows, maybe I'll even have an organized plan for my blog!!!! We'll see... we'll see... Oh, and I'll have pictures. I promise.
We say this about just about everything. Car accidents. Losing your loved ones. Athletic accidents. Even good things like championships. Setting records. Even finding the love of your life, especially after a bad heartbreak.
But no matter how often it's applied, it's always true. You really never think it could happen to you. The idea is just simply unfathomable.
Unfortunately, it has to be you sometimes. Statistically speaking it has to be someone, and what makes you any different from the next guy?
I turned 24 on Friday. For my birthday, we had a doctor's appointment. We were supposed to hear a heartbeat. That beautiful sound that acknowledges there is something indeed growing inside of you. They couldn't find one, though. No worries. I've gained weight, my blood and all the other tests are great. It's probably just earlier in the pregnancy than we thought.
Just in case, though, they scheduled an ultrasound for today. And it turns out they were wrong. There is no heartbeat, and the baby stopped growing approximately 3 weeks ago. For no apparent reason, I have yet to actually miscarry, but it's going to happen within the next week. If it doesn't, then I'll have to have a D&C, which if you don't know, they will go in surgically and remove what should have naturally left on its own.
As emotional as this is, I'm thinking I've cried it out, and can hopefully move on. I've never felt so sad, but unlike what the pamphlet says (who the hell writes that thing? They obviously don't know JACK SHIT about losing a baby.) I don't feel guilty. I know it's not my fault, that there was nothing I could have done to prevent it. I'm confident we can still have children, and we will be trying again. Hind sight is 20/20, and to be honest, it felt too good to be true. I don't think I ever really fully accepted that I was going to be a mom. Something just never sank in. I never connected with "baby". I'd like to think it was for this reason, but hind sight is certainly 20/20. Had I not had the ultrasound today I would never consider that thought.
I think I'm more afraid of the miscarriage now. Is this going to hurt? How long until it happens? How long until I recover? I'm honestly a "cry it out and move on" type of gal. I don't like waiting. I have about 10 lbs to lose now. I want to be healthy again. I want my house to be clean again. I want life to go back to normal again.
Please?
A friend of mine (I've mentioned here before, her name is Allison) mentioned a nice little bloggy carnival thing, and I thought I'd give it a shot since my usual attempts at creating a routine die out so quickly.
It's called Wedded Wednesday from a wonderful woman named Johanna. You can link up to it here.
For my first Wedded Wednesday, I'd like to let you in on a lesson I have learned in my little-more-than-a-year of marriage- Everyone's marriage is different, and it is impossible to see everything from the outside view.
You should normally never judge. I have never had an issue abiding by this honestly, but it seems that a lot of people have a problem with it. This is not a response to someone's judgement of late or anything personal, so please don't wonder who I'm pointing a metaphorical finger at- it's no one. I have just noticed in my little-more-than-a-year of marriage that above most things, people judge relationships and marriages.
I've heard comments about couples, how they won't last. I've heard comments on how the girlfriend doesn't treat her boyfriend right because she picked out decorations for his new house. But most of all I used to worry about what Mike's friends said about ME. I never fit in real well with the crowd, and Mike is well loved by EVERYONE. He just doesn't have a lot of faults, and he's extremely loyal to his friends. I just didn't match up. We were complete opposites, and I am known to make enemies for my strong opinions.
Somewhere along the way I stopped worrying what they think. They don't see all that goes on. So what if we never hang out when we're at a party? He goes one way I go another. So they heard us disagree. So what? They don't see how he cuddles me. How we hold hands even when alone. His sweet text messages, or really even how we fight- we fight honestly, without harsh words, and we never hit below the belt. We fix the issue at hand openly. If we get too upset, we take a break from the fight until we calm down.
Not even my own mother sees all the good in our relationship. I honestly think she's terrified he'll leave me some day! Our housemate at one point used to get real uncomfortable when we bickered. It took her a while to realize that 99% of it was a loving joke. We are actually still in a honeymoon stage, I think. We're happier than we've ever been.
Maybe people like to find faults so they can compare themselves a little better. I don't know. I've just learned that judging relationships is like looking through shattered glass. You don't really see what it is your looking at. Not thoroughly at least.
