Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Wedded Wednesday- Loving Yourself

Have you visited The Sisterhood of the Shrinking Jeans yet?  Oh no?  Well, I highly recommend it.  They are fabulous women working on a project that we could probably all use a little more of- our health.

What the caha does that have to do with Wedded Wednesday?  They posted a new challenge for the month of October.  I've yet to agree to it, but I plan on it.  Right now, actually.

The challenge is to love yourself.  OH MY GOOD GRACIOUSNESS!  That's asking a lot from me.  That is NOT sarcasm my webby friends.

Still- What the double caha- I made it up, and I like it.  It's meaningless, which means non-offensive -does that have to do with Wedded Wednesday?

My husband is a wonderful man.  He truly is.  He's pretty honest, too.  But probably the most frustrating thing for him in our relationship- me.  I can't take compliments.  I hardly give them.  I'm quick to find flaws and errors and problems without even noticing the blessings, the achievements, or the hard effort which is sometimes the whole point.  I'm a very very very strong willed perfectionist.  I used to see it as a good thing, but the older I get I'm starting to see that I might be wrong on that. Ironic, no?

Something I think a lot of people fail to see in successful relationships is the fact that each individual involved loves themselves.  They have a healthy life because they care about their own interests/achievements/goals.  This is NOT to say that they love themselves too much. That's possible.  It's just that they realize they are just as deserving as the other of their own dreams, goals, interests, time, etc.  It's extremely important in a relationship.  Otherwise you have the problem that my husband and I sometimes have to face.  So here's my huge confession and seriously- I recently told one of my best friends about this not more than a month ago......

hate don't love myself.

Ok, really?.......... Maybe..... Hard to believe because I'm so freakin' awesome on my blog hahahaha!... I hide it well.  Those closest to me probably know the truth i.e. my mom, my best friends- especially the one I talked to- and my loving husband.  I have a hard time finding this so called middle ground.  I don't like being hard on myself, and logically I know that I do a lot of things really well, and if I don't I honestly try my hardest or have good intentions.  But if I'm nice to myself I feel that either a) I come off as conceited, selfish, egotistical, narcissistic, or just plain self-centered. How many of those words are redundant? or b) I feel like I just sacrificed something more important, like maybe doing something for myself replaced doing something nice for my husband, who deserves it more.  And secretly, I really really really care what others think. Logically, I don't understand why the crap it even matters at all, but the fear of what others think is really a big problem for me.  Why???  See?  I think my own faults are logically, well... stupid and unjustified!

But I'm working on it.  It's very difficult, though, because I see a lot of failures.  I graduated last year and expected life to be more.  I'm not even working with my degree.  I don't honestly enjoy my job, but I can't change until after Mike is settled.  I don't really even like my house.  The result of having a desk job has added to a problem I NEVER had until recently- weight gain.  I gained a good solid 20-25 pounds after leaving band and graduating.  I obviously had the recent issue with pregnancy.  I have time management issues.  Ps I think the laundry buzzed and I forgot... Damn caha.

All of these- and they aren't all completely my fault -I really had a hard time saying that...- are things that I see as flaws.  I nit-pick.  I see all the problems.  I have a hard time getting past them because I can't imagine life being ok, good, right without fixing all those little imperfections.

So here is my pledge.  I'm telling you here and now.  I'm going to change.  I'm going to start loving myself.  I am going to accept compliments.  I am going to believe the compliments and stop finding excuses for why someone is giving them.  I'm going to find one positive every time I see a negative.  I am going to fail.  I'm going to be ok with failing.  I'm going to make a mistake and try not to cry laugh at it.

And also?  I'm going to do the things that make me happy, and work on things to get me healthy again.  But Lynzie, you are healthy!  Actually... eh.  Most laugh when I say I'm fat.  I'm not, ok?  I know.  But I have some areas that I don't like, and I want to stay in the healthy weight range. Believe it or not, I'm actually very close to being overweight.  I'm going to work on it.  Not because I have to.  Because I want to.

And the rest?  I'll get there.  But it's ok if it takes one, five, ten years to do so.  Hell, Caha- I can still be having babies in 10 years, so I have plenty of time, right?

I'm so right.  ;)

PS- After re-reading this post, I come off a lot harsher than I realized... While it's all true, I seriously think it sounds a lot worse than it is.  I'm still sane enough to be happy.  And I realize life isn't going to be perfect- hence the title of the blog.  The general fact is life isn't perfect.  It's the specifics that get me.  And the first step- accepting my faulty perfectionism.  Because it's ok to be a perfectionist.  :)

1 comment:

Christie O. said...

Thank you for sharing this SO.MUCH. Because I pretty much agree with everything you're saying. In fact, the next Monday post about this "I love myself" project is exactly about how other people see us when we're trying to love ourselves! it's a very big deal how much of an obstacle that alone is! To me, your post didn't sound harsh because those are the same thoughts I have about myself, so maybe we are just too hard on ourselves. I know exactly what you mean too, about doing something for yourself instead of someone else and feeling selfish about it, but you DO totally deserve it. i think it's in our dna as women to put other's first. but i'm here to say YOU DESERVE IT! :) so glad you took the pledge!!!